The Jam Box

Last night, I achieved a first in my life as a pro wrestling fan. I actually saw a Wrestlemania show in the comfort of my own home as it was taking place instead of having to wait for the DVD/home video release months later.

Wrestlemania 26 was a fun show overall. The last two matches saved the show from being little better than a standard episode of Raw or Smackdown. We had the worst wrestling match from a major company ever since Sharmell and Jenna Morasca stunk up the joint in TNA last summer. We had two 45+ year old men tear down the house and top their ***** classic from last year’s Mania show. We saw the sad sight of a late wrestler’s wife attempting to wrestle. We saw the son-in-law reign supreme over a fresher, younger talent yet again. Once again, I learned something new from a ladder match. Three young men merely going through the motions instead of tearing the house down. Two world title matches- one great, one merely very good. And several matches were the epitome of the word rushed.

1. The Miz & Big Show retained the WWE Unified Tag Team Championship over R-Truth & John Morrison in 3:20. Far too short for these four men, never mind a tag team title match. Former tag partners Morrison and Miz started things off, did some solid locking up before Morrison tagged in R-Truth. Miz then tagged Big Show. Show attempted a middle rope move but Morrison kicked him off. Finish came when Show tagged himself in and gave the KO Punch to Morrison. What they did was good, but just not enough. **1/2

2. Randy Orton defeated Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes in a 9 minute Triple Threat match. Boy did they drop the ball on this feud. DiBiase and Rhodes came out to no reaction, but when they’ve been jobbed out as much as they have been over the past year, why would anyone expect a reaction? Orton was the clear-cut babyface, with the fans going crazy for him. The match itself was nothing new or different from the various matches we’ve seen involving these three before. It was a workmanlike effort with little emotion or suspense. Orton won after hitting DiBiase with the RKO. **

3. Next came the Money in the Bank ladder match. This marked the sixth edition of the annual Mania attraction that began at Mania 21. It’s a ladder match in which a briefcase containing a contract guaranteeing the holder a world championship match to be cashed in whenever he feels like doing so. I was skeptical about this year’s version, however. It was the first to feature ten wrestlers, instead of the usual seven or eight. I feared a major traffic jam, loaded with missed spots and clumsy action. To my relief, it ended up being a surprisingly great, well worked ladder match- the best MITB since the first one.

The participants were: Kane (making his fifth MITB appearance), Shelton Benjamin (making his sixth MITB appearance), occasional MITB stalwarts Christian, Matt Hardy and MVP plus newbies Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston. What a match they put on- and was it needed after the slow start this show got off to! Among the highlights were Kofi using two pieces of broken ladders as stilts- then walking his way to the center of the ring and climbing said pieces to try and grab the briefcase with no luck- Drew Mediocre intervened. Speaking of McIntyre, it was hilarious to see how fast the crowd turned on him when it seemed like he was going to win the match. Luckily, he didn’t- he’s far too green to be world champion. Christian gave Matt Hardy an Unprettier off two ladders. That takes balls to give and take. There were other thrilling moments I’ll leave you to discover. Swagger ended up winning after grabbing the briefcase (he had trouble unlatching the handle from the loop- a moment that will likely be trimmed down for the DVD release). I hope they go with Swagger as world champ later this year- he’s more than deserving. ****1/2

4. Triple H defeated Sheamus in 12:06. Very good match. Sheamus is seriously underrated. He has a unique look, is a good worker, is decent on the mike and has great heel presence. He’ll get even better with time. As much as I rag on Triple H for his ruthless, selfish “Me first” backstage tactics, the truth is he is still a top notch worker. The two had a great, give-and-take contest that was marred by the absolute wrong finish. It’s good to be the king! ***1/2

5. Rey Mysterio defeated CM Punk in 6:28. This was a bit of a letdown considering how good these two have been in the ring together. There was a ****1/2 classic from Armageddon 2008 and several strong TV matches. So you’d think wrestling on the biggest show of the year would deliver their best match ever? Wrong. This match is the poster child for rushed matches. It was basically signature moves and high spots with no build-up. Finish came when Gallows’ interference backfired, allowing Mysterio to hit Punk with the 619 and the pin. What they did was good. But as with the tag team match, it wasn’t enough. ***1/4

6. Now came the long awaited street fight between Bret “Hit Man” Hart and Vince McMahon. Bret looked more like “Old Man”.. I knew going in that to expect an all time classic was foolish. Bret hasn’t wrestled in 11 years and has suffered two strokes since. Vince is not a full time wrestler either. But I was hoping that the Street Fight format would include enough intangibles to make for a watchable match.

Boy was I wrong. What a clusterfuck this was. When you look up the word disaster in the dictionary, right next the words earthquake, tsunami, typhoon and hurricane you’ll find Bret vs Vince. This match was so badly booked and executed that if it doesn’t win Worst Match of 2010, we are in serious trouble. McMahon attempted to screw Bret again by announcing that he had bought those dysfunctional derelicts known as the Hart Family to serve as pro-McMahon lumberjacks. He also bought Bret’s brother Bruce to serve as referee. That was bad enough, but then it got worse. Bret said that he knew of Vince’s scheme and talked with his family, who decided to go along with it to help Bret get the ultimate revenge. Why reveal it was a swerve BEFORE the match began? Why not use it to build some suspense and then hit us with the surprise twist a la The Sting? But no, why go for the obvious instead of the idiotic? Things got even worse from there. It was 11 minutes of Bret badly beating on Vince with chairs, getting help from the Hart Dynasty (consisting of the sons of Davey Boy Smith and the daughter of The Anvil Jim Neidhart) and endlessly teasing the Sharpshooter before finally hitting the sharpshooter finish. My description makes this sound decent, but believe me this was absolute torture to watch. It was apparent that Bret really couldn’t do much of anything in the ring. His punches and kicks looked awful. So knowing that, why even do this match and bore us to death? And if they had to go through with it, it should have been Bret knocking down Vince and hitting the Sharpshooter in 30 seconds.To think they took time away from the tag team title match or Mysterio-Punk to accommodate this junk is an utter disgrace. -*****

7. Chris Jericho retained the World Heavyweight Championship defeating Edge in 15:45. Those poor men, having to follow that disaster. They did their best under the circumstances, having a very good match. But they could have had a great, all time classic- both men are excellent workers and capable of such. Maybe Edge has some ring rust he has yet to completely shake off. It certainly seemed that way since he wrestled a bit tenatively at the start. So it was up to Jericho to lead the match. It was slow-going for the first five minutes, but they picked up the pace to have an exciting final five minutes. I figured Edge was going to win the title since this was his big return from a major injury, plus he won the Royal Rumble, which pretty much guarantees a title switch. But Jericho rightly retained and with a clean pinfall finish to boot. ***3/4

8. Now it was time for the last minute, utterly worthless, 10 Divas bathroom break. For anyone out there who cares, it was the brilliant babyface team of Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, Mickie James, Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres against the godawful heel group of Vickie Guerrero, Michelle McCool, Maryse, Layla and Alicia Fox. The best thing I can say about this match is that it was short. Only three minutes in length, with all ten hitting one finisher after another. Vickie Guerrero has no business being in the ring. Her late husband Eddie was one of the greats, as were his brothers, father and nephew, but this is one case where nepotism sucks big time. Everything she did looked awful and having her do the Frog Splash was an insult. It looked more like Blob Descending the Top Rope. If they wanted a Guerrero in a Divas match, they could have put Chavo in drag. Even that would have been better than what we got. Oh yeah the least talented group won yet again. Why do I even care to get pissed at the sight of non-wrestler Vickie pinning trained wrestler Kelly Kelly? DUD

9. John Cena won the WWE Championship from Batista in 13:30. I guess I’m in the minority, but I thought this was the superior of the two world title matches. It had excellent psychology. Cena broke his neck during an accidental mishap in his first match with Big Dave a year and a half ago. Batista has been repeatedly getting the best of Cena ever since- even taking the WWE Championship in an impromptu match minutes after Cena regained the belt at Elimination Chamber back in February.

Batista surprised me by doing some surprisingly solid mat wrestling with Cena here. It looked good and was well executed. I think both men are unfairly underrated. Both were among the worst workers in the company upon their debuts in 2002, but through a lot of hard work, they have improved tremendously. The match started slowly and built itself up to a fever pitch. Both men traded power moves and brutal punishment. It all led to a thrilling conclusion with Cena making Batista tap out clean with the STF for the win and the title. ****1/2

10. Now it was the Career vs the Streak. Would the Undertaker increase his record to 18-0? Would Shawn Michaels end the streak or his career? Would both men, over 45 years of age and falling apart, be able to top their classic match from a year ago? All those questions were answered over the course of a 25 minute classic. This match was even better than last year’s. But the nice thing was it was a completely different kind of match. Last year’s was more languid and leisurely paced, building up to a frenzy. This year, it started fast and got even crazier as it progressed. But the results were brilliant.

This was a no-disqualification, no countout match and the perfect antidote to that disgraceful Street Fight from earlier in the evening. This match was absolutely phenomenal, especially considering the age and deteriorating condition of both wrestlers. Both men beat the living crap out of each other, hitting one devestating finisher after another. The finish came after Undertaker delivered a Tombstone but failed to get the pin. He was about to literally kill HBK, but he felt mercy for him and allowed him to get up first. HBK responded by giving Taker a stiff, hard slap. Taker got pissed off and tombstoned Michaels to hell for the pin and to keep the streak intact. I was thrilled that it was a clean finish, since the smart money was on Triple H costing his friend and partner the match and career. If this isn’t the best match of 2010, we have something special to look forward to, then. It’ll be awfully hard to top this. *****

Michaels has been “retired”, but I figure we’ll see him back again sooner rather than later. He’ll likely get a proper sendoff tonight on Raw.

Bill Up Close: Wrestlemania 26